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Confessions of an unstable Editor-In-Chief: Never the first

2009-11-11 07:03:29

I feel lousy. I'm not sure what the reason for that might be exactly. But I guess being always the SECOND one has its part in it. Second in everything, maybe even third. Things like waking up in the morning, I never do it as the first person, as I'm just too afraid of waking everyone else up.

Or finishing my beer, I always try to finish my beer as late as possible. Just in case anyone else wants some more beer... so that I could offer mine. I also try to be the last one who gets hit by an 18-wheeler. Not to mention drowning. I never want to be the first one, but always second or a third. I guess that's also the reason why I'm still alive. Bummer, I must say.

Things have been rather hectic this week. Haven't really had any time to do anything really stupid. So I've just been around with my normal free time activities. Catching pigeons, eating ducks and breeding cannabis. That's basically what I do when I'm not drinking. Well, yes, I'm also supposed to run this freakin' magazine. The Cheers you know. But I have less and less time for it with every day so I don't consider it a regular activity anymore. It's rather something like dinge-an-sich (like they say in English something that you put inside vodka or...smth similar). The Cheers is The Cheers. Independent of me. That's it. End of story. Why do you always want to piss me off? Making me talk about the magazine and such crap. I don't want to. I want to live like all other normal people. I really do.

And that's my entire story for this week? Well, yeah. You see, that column is about my life. And I drink a lot. I drink a lot in my life. And that's why I need to leave you with the other crap. I just need to go drinking. You see, vodka is one of the most important bits of my farked up life. If I can't get it, you will die.

Have you ever felt like you were in a movie? Green devil sitting on your left shoulder and yellow fox on the other? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now. So welcome to my world. The yellow fox is always whispering "Fuck off, fuckoff, fuck off", and the pink devil is always yelling "Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up you weirdo" at the other guy. No one really cares about me. Even the guys on my shoulders are arguing with each other without even noticing my presence. And the more I drink the louder they are. I wish.... I wish they would say at least once that
"Siim, hey, it's me here. Fuck off!" It would be all I need. Just a little attention. But no, no one is ready to give me that. They say I'm too stupid. Even the shit-colored fox is always talking about me like I wasn't there. "Hey, purple devil, you know a joke? Two guys are crossing the road. A car comes and hits Siim. He dies after a blink of his right eye. You know who'se the other guy? The one who survived? No? Me neither, but fortunately it wasn't Siim." And even if I try to tell them anything, they play like I was not there, like I was invisible. And I need to carry these 30kg little pigs on my shoulders. I need help. I really do. I wonder, would the Terminator be able to help me? Or maybe Rambo with his huge attributes. Or maybe Shrek could help me. I've heard it's really difficult to find him, but I bet it's possible. Or if not Shrek1, then Shrek 2 definitely. Terminator 2 might be a good idea as well, but he looks too scary to me. Look at that awful face of his. I wonder how much make-up he has used. I usually don't use more than 15pounds a day...but then again, it really depends whether it's Tuesday or Saturday.

Phrr, btw, did I tell you that I'm gonna kill you if I don't get a drink soon? I would do that, I definitely would. But I just remembered I have a bottle or two under my bed living together with my socks. Lambada.

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The Daily Bonk

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